Organised by Muslim Youth Forum (MYF), Diary Tok Kadi Conference is a captivating look at marriage in the contemporary world. On 30th September 2017, MYF successfully organised the second instalment of this conference entitled Diary Tok Kadi: Will You Ever Be Ready? This second edition put marriage in perspective, provoking thoughts for married couples, newly weds, as well as grooms and brides to be. Practical advises were shared from speakers that made up of asatizah, a lawyer and our Madam President! It was a surprise indeed to have President Madam Halimah Yacob deliver the keynote speech.
Loads of takeaways indeed, but here are 3 key takeaways from us at MIRROR.
1. Intention—Why am I getting married? What is the purpose of marriage?
We must always set our intention right from the get-go and understand why we are getting married. As said by Mdm President, “If you marry the person for the right reasons, then half the battle is won.”
Ustazah Shameem Sultanah quoted a verse from Surah Ar-Rum, verse 21, which means, “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” Hence, one of the reasons of marriage is for us to find peace from each other. However, we could only attain peace if we ourselves are giving peace, which can only be achieved when we are peaceful within.
2. Preparation—Am I prepared (emotionally, financially, spiritually)?
During Ustazah Nazeerah Shaik Alwie’s presentation, she mentioned on how we need to understand the roles of a husband and a wife before going into marriage. There must be mutual understanding and kindness when discussing on this matter.
As we then get into the married life, “…it’s important to talk to each other, having meaningful and effective conversations” and we need “to engage with each other on a daily basis”, said Mdm President. All of these are to ensure that couples understand one another and are able to settle any form of challenges peacefully. Be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings as “…relationship would be hard to sustain if you only care and love yourself…” Mdm President continued.
Have good financial sense before getting into marriage. It is not just about being the raja & permaisuri sehari, but more importantly what happens afterwards. Everything requires planning–it’s tough but it has to be done. There is a lifetime ahead to make and preserve memories so don’t spend excessively on the wedding day. Start marriage on a clean slate without debts to avoid any possible conflicts at the beginning of the marriage. Live your life then within your means. People’s expectations can be too high so you have to set your own expectations because you are living your life not them. Make sure you discuss and set proper expectations between each other, like for example whether or not both of you should work and how the household chores should be done. (paraphrased from Mdm President)
A good advise from Ustaz Tarmizi Wahid as well is that if we are not well-versed in financial management, then we should seek professional advise in order to save ourselves from troubles that may arise afterwards.
One should be spiritually grounded and prepared for marriage. One should understand the contract of marriage and the responsibilities that marriage entails.Ustaz Tarmizi shared a statistics showing that most people, only at the age of 25 and above, are matured spiritually. Spirituality is indeed important to sustain and strengthen marriage.
Above all, have trust in Allah. Remember, that your partner is chosen specifically for you. “Your spouse is the perfect partner for the imperfect you”–Ustazah Nazeerah
3. Communication—Understanding your spouse. Communicate effectively in all aspects of marriage.
Open conversations between husband and wife is key in a marriage. Communication allows for both parties to express themselves and also take the time to listen to their partner, creating a platform to understand each others’ feelings and frustrations. If couples were to give each other the silent treatment, the other party might just not understand what had actually gone wrong and things might get worse.
So there you have it—three takeaways from DTK Conference. We would like to leave you with a beautiful quote from Ustaz Zahid Zain during his closing speech, “…return to Allah swt in all the decisions and plans that you have made.” So put your trust in Allah, for indeed, Allah is the best disposer of affairs.